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January 2, 2006
A Letter on Strategy (SM.AC 3)
From pseudo-incest, we now turn to help with video games and....other games. Perhaps of the class "prank." I aim to please.
Advice questions:
1) What are some really good audibles to set up for Madden?
2) What are the differences between a full back and a half back?
3) How does one become a better person (at Madden) ?
4) Where are some good places to put a Catlin mask?
Your adoring fan,
Jeff
Note: SM.AC is a series of "advice column" (AC) posts based on actual questions from actual readers, who may or may not be telling the truth, and may or may not be blatantly misrepresenting who they are and what they actually think. Send your questions here.
Advice answers:
- Ask someone who actually knows something about football.
- Ask someone who actually knows something about football.
- Contrary to all reports, football is not life. Neither is Madden.
- Definitely somewhere right in front of his face, where he's sure to miss it. If he notices it, he'll tear it down and rip it up. This would be bad.
Ah, one of those "difficult questions." On the one hand, Jeff's questions are esoteric and arcane, and presented in such dry, hyper-logical fashion (this is why Jeff is a Math concentrator). On the other hand, he professes himself my adoring fan. How, then, can I refuse his plea for help?
Yet while I can only attempt to answer the football questions, I can answer the Catlin Mask (tm) question quite conclusively. The Catlin Mask (tm) was invented to prolong the life of Super-Assassin (tm) Mike Catlin through positive camouflauge. The idea was that if the enemy's perception could be overwhelmed by the suspicion of multiple identifications of Mike Catlin, the Real Mike Catlin would escape unscathed. Preliminary field trials were inconclusive.
However, an unexpected side effect soon presented itself: despite his roommates' declared best intentions, the Real Mike Catlin was not pleased with the invention of his doppleganger. The precise emotional mechanisms behind his significant aversion to the Catlin Mask (tm) could not be ascertained. They are being investigated by the same team in charge of limiting physical damage to video game controllers due to their cooption as projectiles, protecting television screens from flying objects, and protecting wood floors in Eliot House from water damage. In the meantime, the engineering team responsible for the Catlin Mask (tm) has shifted its efforts away from perfection of the Mask itself and towards Real Mike Catlin evasion.
If the Catlin Mask (tm) is to be deployed in mission-critical situations, the Real Mike Catlin must be prevented from destroying the device. The best way to do this is to prevent his detection of the device. This is the thrust of Jeff's question. Jeff, after consulting with my crack consulting team of crack consultatns, they've consulted me to keep Catlin Mask(s) (tm) in clear view of the Real Mike Catlin's perception at all times. This will prevent his detection of the Catlin Mask (tm) up to 90% of the time. A similar perceptual mechanism is believed to underlie the heretofore poorly understood survival of objects on the Real Mike Catlin's floor beyond an expected length of time, including but not limited to dishes and laundry.
Finally, Jeff: nomenclature in football doesn't make any sense, so don't ask too many questions and nobody will get hurt. But as far as I can tell, the halfback usually does the running and the fullback usually does the blocking, and a fullback is usually bigger and stronger, but also slower and less agile than a halfback.
Posted by David Richmond at January 2, 2006 2:35 AM EST
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Comments
The TM need only appear on first use in a document.
Posted by: Mike Richmond at January 3, 2006 1:26 PM