« December 2005 | Main | March 2006 »
January 20, 2006
Help! I think my brother is a dork! (SM.AC 4)
A few advice questions to catch up on as my electronic pen springs to life once more.
Dear Dr. SymphonicMan,
My brother is a dork. He tries really, really hard, and he even dates cute girls, but deep down I know he is a really big dork. The people would like to present Exhibit A: His blog. Also Exhibit B: His bassoon. Exhibit C: his CD collection (it's mostly classical... I know, maybe it's just to get chicks, but I think he actually likes Mahler more than most chicks).
Please do anything possible to help him. Though I have already been diagnosed with Terminal Dorkitude, and am hoping to use my condition to raise awareness and get a Ph.D., perhaps it is not too late to save him from the same fate.
Sincerely,
Sister of a Seriously Dorky Dude
Note: SM.AC is a series of "advice column" (AC) posts based on actual questions from actual readers, who may or may not be telling the truth, and may or may not be blatantly misrepresenting who they are and what they actually think. Send your questions here.
Your brother's condition sounds serious, but remember: it could be worse. It could be much worse. If it is true that he has a blog, I hope he updates it regularly. The only thing worse than having a blog is having a "blog" upon which the "blogger" never writes. As for playing the bassoon, again, it could be worse: he could be an oboist. And as for his CD collection: well, at least he has good taste. Mahler is, in fact, quite preferable to "most chicks," being altogether more passionate, fulfilling, and beautiful. Have you considered that the reason he only dates cute girls is perhaps because the non-cute ones don't compare to Mahler, Beethoven, Debussy, and Mozart?
Posted by David Richmond at 8:58 PM EST | Comments (2) | TrackBack
January 2, 2006
Blockquote Juxtaposition: Cultural Theory Edition
Though my readership hates it when I blockquote, I want to present two things side by side, with commentary forthcoming. Eventually.
But what makes music special -- what makes it special for identity -- is that it defines a space without boundaries (a game without frontiers). Music is thus the cultural form best able both to cross borders -- sounds carry across fences and walls and oceans, across classes, races and nations -- and to define places; in clubs, scenes, and raves, listening on headphones, radio and in the concert hall, we are only where the music takes us.
-- Simon Frith, "Music and Identity," in Questions of Cultural Identity ed. Stuart Hall and Paul de Gay (London : Sage, 1996)
For most of us, there is only the unattended
Moment, the moment in and out of time,
The distraction fit, lost in a shaft of sunlight,
The wild thyme unseen, or the winter lightning
Or the waterfall, or music heard so deeply
That it is not heard at all, but you are the music
While the music lasts.....
-- T.S. Eliot, The Four Quartets, "The Dry Salvages," V
(online here)
Interestingly, the Eliot is quoted as the inscription to Douglas Shand-Tucci's biography of Isabella Stewart Gardner, The Art of Scandal. Definitely a nod to intuitions about the relationship between music and identity (or culture and identity). Notice also this idea again about boundaries and games, and their relationship.....something that's come up on this page before. Further development in my senior thesis on Debussy's music in Boston....
Posted by David Richmond at 3:05 AM EST | Comments (2) | TrackBack
An Epic Quest
On 21 December 2005, my sister Emily and I had two and half hours in the Chicago O'Hare International Airport. We were flying United. We wanted lunch. Nay, we needed lunch. Nay, we needed Chinese food. There are two Panda Express locations listed in the United terminal. Both were closed for renovation. We trekked far and wide in search of an open Panda Express. Like buffalo returning to a familiar watering hole, we wandered for thirty minutes. We found our way all the way over to the American terminal, where smell took over and guided us to our desire.
My need for Chinese food satiated, I then had an orange/strawberry/banana smoothie. The place I got it from called it the "fresh" smoothie. This picture was the result. The bunny is Emily's, and he is presented in the spirit of Mad Magazine's "monkeys are always funny" feature.
I am sure you will agree that this is an epic story.
In other news, Emily and I decided that we will be editing, to be published in 2035, a book series: The Death of the Author on Whose Authority? Competiting Claims of Authenticity in the Twentieth Century. Submissions welcome.
Posted by David Richmond at 2:48 AM EST | TrackBack
Happy New Year!
Happy New Year! &c. In honor of 2006, I present two SM.AC posts that should have been published weeks ago. I also deliver this promise: more frequent, better-than-ever posting! As always, the best way to stay current with SymphonicMan.com is via RSS (aka Firefox "live bookmarks") -- I tend to post in waves, and despite my promises and best intentions to the contrary, that's probably how it will always be.
On the bright side, it's not like I'm at a loss for words when I do post. Then again, it's not like I'm ever at a loss for words whether I'm posting on my blog, writing email, or talking your ear off in person, so.....
Posted by David Richmond at 2:41 AM EST | TrackBack
A Letter on Strategy (SM.AC 3)
From pseudo-incest, we now turn to help with video games and....other games. Perhaps of the class "prank." I aim to please.
Advice questions:
1) What are some really good audibles to set up for Madden?
2) What are the differences between a full back and a half back?
3) How does one become a better person (at Madden) ?
4) Where are some good places to put a Catlin mask?
Your adoring fan,
Jeff
Note: SM.AC is a series of "advice column" (AC) posts based on actual questions from actual readers, who may or may not be telling the truth, and may or may not be blatantly misrepresenting who they are and what they actually think. Send your questions here.
Advice answers:
- Ask someone who actually knows something about football.
- Ask someone who actually knows something about football.
- Contrary to all reports, football is not life. Neither is Madden.
- Definitely somewhere right in front of his face, where he's sure to miss it. If he notices it, he'll tear it down and rip it up. This would be bad.
Ah, one of those "difficult questions." On the one hand, Jeff's questions are esoteric and arcane, and presented in such dry, hyper-logical fashion (this is why Jeff is a Math concentrator). On the other hand, he professes himself my adoring fan. How, then, can I refuse his plea for help?
Yet while I can only attempt to answer the football questions, I can answer the Catlin Mask (tm) question quite conclusively. The Catlin Mask (tm) was invented to prolong the life of Super-Assassin (tm) Mike Catlin through positive camouflauge. The idea was that if the enemy's perception could be overwhelmed by the suspicion of multiple identifications of Mike Catlin, the Real Mike Catlin would escape unscathed. Preliminary field trials were inconclusive.
However, an unexpected side effect soon presented itself: despite his roommates' declared best intentions, the Real Mike Catlin was not pleased with the invention of his doppleganger. The precise emotional mechanisms behind his significant aversion to the Catlin Mask (tm) could not be ascertained. They are being investigated by the same team in charge of limiting physical damage to video game controllers due to their cooption as projectiles, protecting television screens from flying objects, and protecting wood floors in Eliot House from water damage. In the meantime, the engineering team responsible for the Catlin Mask (tm) has shifted its efforts away from perfection of the Mask itself and towards Real Mike Catlin evasion.
If the Catlin Mask (tm) is to be deployed in mission-critical situations, the Real Mike Catlin must be prevented from destroying the device. The best way to do this is to prevent his detection of the device. This is the thrust of Jeff's question. Jeff, after consulting with my crack consulting team of crack consultatns, they've consulted me to keep Catlin Mask(s) (tm) in clear view of the Real Mike Catlin's perception at all times. This will prevent his detection of the Catlin Mask (tm) up to 90% of the time. A similar perceptual mechanism is believed to underlie the heretofore poorly understood survival of objects on the Real Mike Catlin's floor beyond an expected length of time, including but not limited to dishes and laundry.
Finally, Jeff: nomenclature in football doesn't make any sense, so don't ask too many questions and nobody will get hurt. But as far as I can tell, the halfback usually does the running and the fullback usually does the blocking, and a fullback is usually bigger and stronger, but also slower and less agile than a halfback.
Posted by David Richmond at 2:35 AM EST | Comments (1) | TrackBack
International Intrigue (SM.AC 2)
Yep, I've got international readership now. Or, at the very least, I have readership smart enough to know that, when pretending to send an email from India, it's wise to go through an email anonymizer so as to mask your Cambridge, Massachusetts IP address. Presented verbatim.
Greetings,
I saw your postings asking for advice. My name is Subbuni and I enjoy reading your contemplatives on music and artistry from Chennai. Oned ay I hope to partake of an academic experience as yours. Please answer my question in your advice column: whenever I see my step-sister my heart speeds up to no end and I become tense. I think I lust after my step-sister. Is this wrong? She is hoping to enroll in the Oklahoma University for a MASTER's degree; should I follow her?
I do not know what to do, Symphonic Man. I am sending you anonemous email becaus my mother may read this e-mail.
Nanedri,
Subbuni
Note: SM.AC is a series of "advice column" (AC) posts based on actual questions from actual readers, who may or may not be telling the truth, and may or may not be blatantly misrepresenting who they are and what they actually think. Send your questions here.
In my ignorance about Indian culture, Subbuni, I have to confess I have no idea what your gender might be. Still, whether you are a girl or a guy, there's nothing "wrong" with feeling attraction to your step-sister. But presumably your brother (or sister, if in Massachusetts, New York, or Canada) has a monopoly on her affection, so your attraction will remain unsatisfied whether you follow her or not.
SymphonicMan is last to condemn the reckless pursuit of love and first to cringe when it goes painfully awry. And this situation, I'm afraid, is going nowhere but awry for you. But fear not! I have a suggestion: attach your lust to a celebrity. Americans do. And remember you've always got a shot at catching his or her eye. Thus is the clarion call of Kevin Federline. Lusting after a celebrity has the added bonus of glorifying fame, so that you too! can aspire to frequenting overpriced clubs, drinking overpriced drinks, partying excessively, and dying an unnaturally early death surrounded by scores of lechers and hangers-on....I mean, of course, adoring fans.
But SymphonicMan is also last to condemn adoring fans (ahem). So I have more advice for you. Think carefully to yourself: self, why is it that I am so attracted to my step-sister? Try to extract what it is about her you find so appealing. Then go looking for it, whatever it is: regular bathing, auburn hair, attractively long legs, huge....tracts of land, etc. Remember that there are not only lots of good fish in the sea; there are also lots of different fish in the sea. One of them, dear Subbuni, might even be attracted to you.
UPDATE (2 January 11:10 PM EST): Aw, shoot, Bill's right (see comments). Subbuni wanted to know about her step-sister, and I answered as if he/she wanted to know about his/her sister-in-law. Shoot. Well, this is substantially more difficult. My advice remains good advice, insofar as any of my advice can be called "good". As to the ethical question of whether or not it is wrong to lust after one's step-sister....well, it's not, biologically speaking, incest. But neither does it seem particularly productive to me.
My readers, I feel as though I have failed you with this one. But there are more advice questions coming soon....
Posted by David Richmond at 1:52 AM EST | Comments (1) | TrackBack